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Divorce usually means dividing up part of your life that you and your partner once shared. Issues like who gets what, how much time children will spend with each parent and other matters can be handled by lawyers or through the court system.
Unfortunately, neither the legal system nor an attorney can decide for one important asset the gets left out of the divorce process–your friends. Losing friends during a divorce can be as equally hurtful and confusing as losing any other important asset.
Friends are often a primary source of support and comfort during a divorce. And divorce is one of the times you need friends the most.
So how this valuable group ends up dividing can harm or help how well you cope and recover from your divorce. Divorced people may find themselves suddenly losing friends or not being invited to dinners, parties or other social events.
Most people report that some friends disappear while going through a divorce. People can feel hurt, pushed out or socially isolated.
Sometimes, both parties can maintain the friendships they cultivated as a couple, but that’s not always the case. If both you and your partner are friends with another couple, some or even all of the shared friendships may dissolve.
Double dates to dinners, sporting events and films will most likely end immediately. You may even find it difficult to remain friends with even one individual within a shared friendship.
Spending time with a newly divorced friend may make couples feel uneasy if they were friends with both partners in the relationship.
It’s pretty common for people who are going through a divorce to look around and suddenly feel like many of their friends have headed for the hills.
Why does it seem that when you need them the most, so many of your friends disappear? What are the reasons that this often happens?
Divorce and the possibility of changes it offers can feel dangerous to married people. Friends can get frightened when long-term couples part ways because it will often make them question their relationship.
As scared and vulnerable as you feel being newly divorced, your married friends have their own set of fears that may get acted out. If you and your spouse split up, does it mean that they might as well?
When people feel unnerved they tend to close ranks, thereby ending friendships.
As someone who's recently divorced, you may now be viewed as being eligible to many of your married friends, which can cause them to become threatened and invitations to cease.
Unfortunately, divorced women usually suffer the most because of the old-fashioned and misogynistic stereotype that a single woman is out to “steal” other women's partners.
You aren’t the only one who is having conflicting emotions dealing with your relationship ending–your divorce can make your friends feel conflicted as well. Other couples will be nervous about how things will turn out and whether they will be able to keep both of you as friends.
Couples will often feel uncertain about whether they should be loyal to you or your ex, and may even disagree with each other about what should be done.
Your divorce can make your friends suddenly feel awkward and helpless. They will often assume that nothing they do or say can help you, or that you would rather be left alone during this difficult time.
The result? They end up doing nothing and saying nothing, pretty much putting an end to your friendship.
They may not be ending a relationship, but your friends still lead busy lives with their own set of problems. Unfortunately, sometimes people get so caught up in their own lives and situations that they neglect their friendships with other people.
You may also discover that some people feel like they need to avoid what they perceive to be negative events or have no desire to deal with anyone’s issues but their own. It is better to let these types of people go.
Once the dust has settled and your mutual friends have decided to choose–or not choose–who to maintain their friendship with, there will still be work for you to do. You'll need to evaluate what friendships you're left with, determine the category they fall into, and act accordingly.
Even though you're going through a tough time, don't forget that friendship is a two-way street.
Like any relationship, friendships constantly change and require work. Keeping all of your friends may not be possible. But there are things you can do to make sure the friendships that mean the most to you don’t end.
It can be challenging, but it is possible to maintain your mutual friends, even while limiting contact with your ex.
When your friends make it known that you have their support and can rely on them to be around, make sure to let them know how much you appreciate them for doing so.
Remember to speak up and tell your friends how important their support is.
Discuss your feelings about the breakup and how it would feel if you ever run into your friends along with your ex.
If you want to avoid your former spouse as much as possible, let them know that you are going to want some time away from him or her because it would be difficult emotionally for you to see them unexpectedly. Talking with your friends will help them understand the situation better as well as respect your boundaries.
Should they take sides? If your marriage can end, does it mean theirs will too?
What if they say the wrong thing? Having a couple close to them getting a divorce can bring up mixed emotions in people.
These emotions can suddenly cause them to feel awkward and uncomfortable around you or your ex. Let them know that this is okay and that you understand.
It’s up to your friends whether or not they will continue to stay friends with your ex-partner. Most of your mutual friends will want to keep both of you around.
Don't expect or demand that your friends take sides; it’s not fair to them. Respect the choices that these mutual friends make.
Don’t attempt to sway them one way or another–whether you agree with them or not, it’s ultimately their choice.
Don't be disrespectful when talking about your ex or the divorce around your mutual friends.
Talking about an ex neutrally isn’t always easy, but remember that if you overshare and talk about how horrible she was in the bedroom or how he didn’t make as much money as everyone thought he did, the negative chatter will most likely come back to bite you.
Mutual friends can feel awkward if you're being rude about your former spouse. Try to be as respectful as you can.
Unfortunately, some people live for other people’s drama and may continue the friendship under pretenses. Be careful about how much information you reveal.
Remember that people who encourage you to or enjoy trashing your former spouse are often the same types who will talk about you to your ex!
It is perfectly fine to ask if your ex is going to be attending any parties, dinners or sporting events that you have been invited to.
They should understand and not take it personally if it's easier for you to decline an invite because it is healthier for you at this time to stay clear of your ex. Running into your ex without knowing ahead of time that this is a possibility will only make things awkward for everyone involved.
Do you want the best of both worlds and not have to choose? For acquaintances, you don’t have to. You can still have lunch out or meet somewhere for a cup of coffee.
But for those close friends, the ones you feel the most comfortable with, those you can tell almost anything, the situation is different. You not only need those friends around, but you also need to know that they can be trusted no to talk about you behind your back to your ex.
Communicating clearly and as soon as possible about the nature of the newly shifting relationship between friends will make it easier for everyone. It can be as simple as assuring your mutual friends that even though you and your spouse are separating, you want to maintain their friendship and will try your best not to have them choose sides
Although it isn’t necessarily easy, talking with your former spouse is one of the best ways to maintain your mutual friendships and figure out what both of you want. Some things that will help:
Building and maintaining friendships takes effort on everyone’s part. Divorce will often reveal who your real friends are. In some cases, you may need to be the one that decides that it is time to split up with mutual friends.
Sometimes the break up of a marriage can quickly end friendships that were already on shaky ground. Use this opportunity to get out of any toxic or one-sided friendships you’ve been meaning to ditch for a while.
How things work out after a divorce is often a good indicator of how the friendship would have ended anyway.
You might choose to end a relationship with mutual friends if you have communicated what you need from them but feel that your frame of mind isn’t being respected.
Even having your friends stick around may cause difficulties that didn’t occur to you. Sometimes keeping mutual friends can be hard because they remind the recently divorced of their own failed relationships.
Splitting up mutual friends can decrease much needed emotional support, precisely when it is needed the most. Often one of the reasons that couples have relationship problems is because they don’t have enough individual friends to help them establish a firm emotional foundation.
No matter how a relationship is going, it is good for a couple to have their interests, hobbies, and friends. Your divorce can change your life in ways–negative and positive—that you may have not thought. A devoted and loyal group of friends will help you cope.
Before you consider divorce or separation, speak to an experienced family law and divorce attorney to discuss your case as well as your options. A divorce lawyer can act as both a counselor and a sounding board for you during this stressful life event.
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Delaware, OH 43015
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