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How to Affair Proof Your Marriage

How to Affair Proof Your Marriage

As a family law attorney, I’ve observed first hand the rebuilding a relationship after an affair is possible but can take a long time and may even end up not being attainable.

We may like to believe that only those who are in unhappy marriages engage in affairs, but in reality, the temptation to become involved with another person outside of marriage can happen to anyone.

The best thing to do is to prevent the affair from happening in the first place.

Couples are always subject to upsets, attractions to others, dissatisfaction and other temptations. Both partners need the ability to be truthful when feeling disconnected and have the mutual goal of creating a secure bond with each other.

Here are some tips that may help you avoid infidelity:

Acknowledge that Infidelity is Possible

Speak to your partner about your feelings about what constitutes fidelity.

Most people assume that their partner shares their beliefs about commitment and fidelity. Each individual has his or her code that defines and judges infidelity.

infidelity in couple bed


Some of it is based on the religious and moral education received in childhood. It can also be based on the person’s previous relationship experiences and the types of adult relationships they were exposed to while growing up.

The vast majority of couples have never discussed infidelity openly because the topic can be a threatening one.

This discussion is ideally done before you get married or are living together in a committed relationship, but it’s never too late to discuss this important topic with your partner. It’s important to listen to your partner with an open mind and not judgment.

Although the conversation won’t be an easy one, it can help you avoid misunderstandings later on in your relationship.

You may find differences in perspectives, values or beliefs that you weren’t aware your partner had. This discussion may include the realization that one or both of you have histories of choosing partners that have trouble committing, tend to stray or stay silent when they should be communicating.

If you find that the topic is too charged, you may want to seek help from a marriage counselor.

Remember That Relationships Requires Work...

Work on your marriage every day, not just when you feel there are problems.

Don't confuse reality and fantasy and think everything will go smoothly now that you are in a committed relationship. There's a difference between falling in love, being in love and staying in love.

If you want to have a great relationship, you have to be a great partner. Put 100% into your marriage and make it a priority, no matter what else is going on in your life.

It’s easy to get distracted by work, children, money problems or a needy friend, but if your relationship isn’t even in your top ten, you’re doing it wrong.

But Don’t Forget to Have Fun!

It may be a cliche, but laughter is the best medicine. Laughing and enjoying things together builds intimacy or can help restore intimacy that has been lost.

couple having fun


Many couples have their private jokes or funny stories of things they’ve done together. Remember those times and vow to create more. Not having fun can get many couples in a rut, and face it, people in a rut are boring!

Bored partners only create relationship problems. And when you’re bored, you’re more likely to look for stimulation outside of your current relationship.

Discover a new passion or do something that you used to enjoy doing together, but haven’t been able to for a while. Take the time together to rediscover the love you have for each other.

Turn Toward Your Partner Instead of Away

Sometimes when we’re in relationships for a while, we start taking the other person for granted.

Couples can be very critical toward each other, and too much criticism not balanced with enough praise can take a huge toll on any relationship. Don’t let this happen to you.

Being the recipient (or giver!) of too much criticism can cause partners to turn away from each other. Be your partner’s biggest fan and remind them to their faces how great they are. You don’t strengthen a relationship by turning away from your partner or criticizing them.

Don’t talk negatively about your partner behind their back to other people either. Boost each other up.

Take Care of Yourself

You may be in a relationship, but you shouldn’t forget about your own needs as well.

You need to take care of yourself too--mentally, physically, spiritually--whatever works and makes you feel good.

Try to eat healthy, exercise, and look your best. Promise to learn something new every day. Practice gratitude. Many of us put ourselves last or don’t even bother to think much about ourselves at all.

It’s not about being selfish. Feeling good and looking good shows that you care about your relationship.

If you don’t care or think much of yourself, why should your partner?

Intimacy isn’t a Dirty Word

Ever walk down the street and spot an elderly couple in front of you holding hands?

Intimacy is about a lot more than sex. Intimacy improves a couple’s sense of connection, mutual respect and feelings of trust. Intimacy makes it much easier to resolve conflicts. How you can increase intimacy?

As unromantic as it sounds, scheduling time just for you and your spouse--no kids, no TV, no cell phones is the first step as well as an important one. Try to have a 20-minute one-on-one conversation every day. Make it early in the morning before anyone else in the house is awake is often ideal.

Text each other throughout the day.

Schedule “date nights” at least twice a month.

Go on several overnight trips and at least one vacation--even a three day weekend--minimum once a year. If money is tight, stay at home and send the kids and/or pets to a friend’s or relative’s house.

You and your spouse should try to go to bed around the same time which will give you another chance to have some quiet time together.

Keep the TV and computer out of your bedroom. They not only distract you from each other but can disturb your body’s natural sleep patterns.

It may take some time, creativity, mutual commitment, and schedule arranging, but the payoff for increasing your intimacy is enormous.

Is it too late?

What if you are already having problems? Is it too late?

Not if you and your partner don’t want it to be.

Objectively evaluate what the current state of your relationship is.

  • Have you stopped working at your relationship and become complacent?
  • Do you take your partner for granted or find yourself criticizing them all the time?
  • When was the last time the two of you went out and had fun together?
  • Have you stopped caring about yourself or your partner’s development?


If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, then sit down together and take the time to make a plan and “renegotiate” the terms of your relationship.

Just because you are currently off track doesn’t mean that it is too late to get back to a better place.


Jack W. Carney-DeBord is licensed and admitted to the practice law in the State of Ohio-ONLY. Jack has no intention of soliciting clients in any state other than Ohio and nothing posted on this website should be viewed as an attempt to solicit or do business in ANY state other than the State of Ohio.

The content on this website is provided as general information only and is not legal advice. You should not act or refrain from acting based upon information provided in this site without first consulting legal counsel.

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